Crash (CHP#6)

My pathetic little life has just come crashing further in. The unemployment office just informed me that it has determined I am not payable. Apparently, it’s because I broke company policy with my internet usage. I know this is the “official” reason they fired me, but it’s far from the bottom line truth. I truly believe that my boss just wanted someone under that she had hired and could shape herself. Also, in hiring someone new, they could start again at a base pay and save themselves money. Afterall, the timing of my “disposal” was just after negotiations were completed for next year’s contracts. And dammit, my internet usage was e-mail and this website. It’s not like I was downloading porn!

I’m a good person who is suriviving on faith alone right now. I was liked by most in the District. I was lax in my last months because I was unhappy, but I didn’t hurt our District or our office. My work was slow, but it was done and done well. I was given no real warning of my disposal and now I am denied benefits from the State?!

I wanted so badly to find something that would make me happy. To take the time to be picky and get a job that will best suit my skills and personality. Now, it looks like I could be flipping burgers and eating the ones that fall apart. Yeah, that might be an exaggeration in reality, but it doesn’t seem like one to me. My life is a disaster and I don’t know how I am going to pull it together.

I’m not sure exactly what I want. I don’t even know if I want to stay in St. Louis. But I am damned now. Or at least, in my initial state of grief (entirely renewed if not actually sparked by this news), this is how I feel.

If you pray, please say a prayer for me. I swear that I am a good person. I don’t feel I deserve the mess that was handed callously to me by my former employer.

I was told I could appeal the decision by the state, but I am not sure what basis I have for an appeal. If anyone knows anything about this, please let me know. Also, please remain positive in any comments you make. I am very fragile right now.

Fear and Love (CHP#5)

We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true
We can live in fear
Extend our selves to love
We can fall below
Or lift our selves above
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it’s not always that clear
I always try so hard
To share my self around
But now I’m closing up again
Drilling through the ground
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it’s not always that clear
I’d love to give my self away
But I find it hard to trust
I’ve got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it’s not always that clear

–Morcheeba

Tid Bits

Library Posting #5

* The Avett Brothers are really growing on me. My friend Steve passed them onto me and another friend loves them too. They are a hilarious new grassy trio who will be in town next month.

* The job I was most interested in that I applied for was filled. Phooey.

* I am seriously looking into au pairing again. I really think I am being called to fulfill my dream of living overseas.

* I’m afraid I am forgetting what it feels like to be in love…

* I love gardening!

* I am getting kicked off the library computer!

The Game of Our Lives

Library Posting #4

So I just came to the library after watching The Game of Our Lives. It’s not the BEST movie in the world, but it was really enjoyable! And the whole section filmed in St. Louis, on the Hill, was awesome. It was so fun to see and hear St. Louis all through the movie. And some of the guys were HOT. LOL. I really suggest going out to see it. Right now, it’s only playing at Ronnie’s.

Down Time

Coffee House Posting #4

Well, my freedom high from last week has waned. I’m worried how long this jobless thing will last. I mean, I have decided that I am going to be picky as long as I can monetarily afford it. If I go work temp, I will be caught up in working again and not looking as hard for a real job. Of course, I WILL do that before I start to starve. In the meantime, I am starting to worry that I won’t be able to decide what I want to do. What WILL make me happy. Sigh.

And I am getting a little lonely and bored. I mean, I get up and go to Mass and my options for doing things all day just seem so limited. Weird huh? Seems like I could do anything I want. But I don’t have money to spend and there are a lot of things that just aren’t as much fun to do alone.

I’d love to hit the road. But I don’t have the money to travel and it’s not safe to camp alone. Besides, what happens if I get a call from someplace I have applied, they want me to interview and I am half way across the country? We’ll see. Maybe I will go home for a few days this week or next. I can be back in the Lou in 4 hours then.

And oh yeah, my car is broken. The starter… Right now my prayers alone are getting it started I think.

But all in all. I am well. I know this is all still for the best. And life isn’t always easy.

Recent Movies

Library Posting #2

Not being online much has been killing my reviews. So let me get in just a little here, starting with recent movies. (This is going to be quick and sloppy- sorry.)

I didn’t like Closer very much. There just wasn’t a point and it wasn’t very realistic. I dunno. It just didn’t do anything for me. And this is of course ignoring the complete and total lack of morality. But I would have to hate almost every movie if that bothered me.

Hotel Rwanda rocked my world. In a bad way of course. I mean, it’s a phenominal movie with amazing acting, but I wanted to puke the whole time. It was so stressful. And knowing that this all really happened just made me ill. Ashamed. I cried a lot! Despite all this, I highly recommend it! Really. It’s a must see.

Dances With Wolves is still a pretty classic movie. I rented it because I am listening to it’s sequel on CD (the book). Not much to say here. You’ve all seen it.

Millions was very clever. It’s playing at Frontenac and West Olive right now. It’s by the same director as Trainspotting. Two boys find a whole back full of pounds right before the change to the Euro. The younger brother is quite holy and obsessed with saints (of whom he has visions BTW). He wants to save the world and give all the money to poor people. The older brother wants to spend it, become cool at school and avoid taxes. Of course, the father plays a role as well as the thief who the money belongs to. It’s a cute moralistic story. Original and funny. I recommend it.

I finally watched Ray last night. I’d rented it once before but didn’t get to watch it. Anyway, yeah… it was really good. I see why Jaime Foxx won the Best Actor award. I am glad he deserved it. I was really thinking Don Cheadle had been amazing in Hotel Rwanda. And he was. But Foxx did do an awesome job. I watched the extended version and it was a little confusing how it fit together. It also stretched the movie to at least 3 hours. But it was a good flick and I learned a lot. Not the best film of the year though.