Woe

Until about 5 p.m. today, all I got done was one load of laundry and cutting the grass. And I wasn’t even filling my time with something fun. Pathetic. I bitched and moaned a lot of yesterday, but ended up getting a lot done in the end. Not nearly as much as I would have had I applied myself, but quite a bit. I’m getting a later start today, but at least I’m getting started and don’t have much (anything) planned tonight. Special thanks to my friend John for yelling at me whenever requested. He does quite an effective, “Get Your Ass Moving” growl.

Putrescence

I hate packing.

I think everybody hates it, but I developed a special distaste last summer during the long and lonely process of packing my apartment of six years. Of course, it doesn’t help that the situations have been less than positive. Then, I had lost my job and my confidence. Though I was trying to focus on future possibilities, I was fairly well defeated. Going through all of that work alone was one of the most bitter experiences I have had in my life.

Now, I should be excited to return to St. Louis. I always loved it there and I have many wonderful, wonderful friends. But I am scared and unsure. I’ve been through a lot these last few months. As I have started to feel more myself the last month or so, I’ve come to appreciate a lot of things about being home in the Quad Cities. I’ve made friends here and love being around my family. I’m no longer 100% sure that going back to St. Louis is best for me. But thanks to some of those wonderful friends, one in particular, I have a safe and easy environment from which to go “check it out”. I can always return home if I am unhappy there.

A large part of my fear is just putting myself back on the line in looking for a real job in my field. I have to get over what happened last year. I don’t know how it will all play out in the interview process, and frankly, my confidence is still incredibly injured. It’s sad, because I know I have a lot to offer. Case in point, the 3-month-long temp job I just left would have loved to hire me and made that very clear. But I continue to fight this weight that seems to be pushing me down. I don’t know how to explain it.

Back to the packing…
This is it. I am moving on Saturday whether I like it or not. I have got to make this step. I am trying to embrace the reality AND all the good things about it. I have got to get my shit together! I determined that I was going to get as much possible done today so that I could have less stress throughout the week. I know days will fly by and I have SO much I need and want to do.
But so far, I am doing HORRIBLY today! Dragging my feet, taking naps, writing blog entries, even job searching – ANYTHING to keep me from what I HAVE to be doing. Ugh!

God help me.

Tomorrow’s…

… the last day on the temp job. I have been there nearly three months and have met some wonderful people there. In fact, I’ve met many, many wonderful people through this last year’s adventure. Life can throw a lot of crazy things at you, but hopefully you will find yourself grounded in those people you meet along the way. They are what matter.

The River

I love the River like some people love the Ocean. I’m sure it’s different, but you know it’s the same too. It feels like home to me. I feel like a River Girl even though I didn’t grow up on the River in a boating sense. That’s something I haven’t done much of. But I think somehow that I should.

The River is beautiful in the Quad Cities. For years I would try to come down to the River every time I was visitng home. I remember even sitting in my car along Ben Butterworth Parkway and watching birds float by on pieces of ice. Just to be near it.

I really don’t wax poetic for it. I don’t see it as some life metaphor, though maybe it is. It just feels like home. I won’t even attempt to deny the beauty of the vast Ocean. Utterly amazing. But scary too. I’ve always been drawn to water. I’d sit, as often as I could, on the wall of the fountain at Brady Commons between classes. That’s desperate huh? But the sound of water. The feel of it. The way it washes things away. Maybe I wax poetic for water rather than the River. Yet the River is its most familiar embodiment to me.

I always tell my directions by the River, which didn’t help much in Columbia. It took years to redirect myself in St. Louis, and now I’m acclimating to the Quad Cities again right before returning to St. Louis! See, the River runs east/west in the Quad Cities. So, in the Illinois-Quad Cities, toward the River is north. In St. Louis it runs north/south; so toward the river is east.

Today, I took a bikeride with my parents along the Iowa side of the River. I didn’t realize the path there was just as nice, if not nicer in some ways than the Moline Path. It was a stunningly perfect day. We had lunch at Lagomarcino’s in the Village of East Davenport. Then, we watched a Civil War reenactment at Lindsay Park. I really had a great weekend with my parents. I appreciate that a lot right now.

Anyway, I’m really irritated that the River is not more accessible in St. Louis. The only bike path I’m aware of is nasty. And I just don’t hang out much down by the Arch, which is probably prettiest spot. Does anyone know any good spots I’m missing?

For now, I continue to nearly crash while looking at the River every morning as I cross the 74-bridge on the way to work. Long looks to the right as you get on and most of the way across, and then one nice long look over to the left just as you get off. Of course, just three more mornings of that…

MI3

I didn’t know a thing about Mission Impossible 3, except that I liked the first two. I wasn’t even aware it was coming out, much less seen a trailer. Weird. And yes, Tom Cruise’s personal life might be a bit creepy, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from $5 movie night. I wouldn’t call myself a huge Cruise fan, but I do like most of his movies.

The first thing I noticed was all the incredibly cool people in the movie. Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Billy Crudup are two of my favorite actors. Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Ving Rhames and Laurence Fishbourne are pretty cool too. And with JJ Abrams as the writer, you better believe Greg Grunberg (Weis) made an appearance. His name was even Kevin. Kerri Russell too. Never knew Felicity could be such a badass. In addition to Greg’s required presense, JJ’s Alias-like fingerprints were all over the movie. There’s, of course, a high-suspense beginning that hangs as we flashback to how we got there. Alias lovers might refer to this as the “72-Hours-Earlier” syndrome. Only true Alias geeks might recognize other nuances. How could a guy who has written a spy show for six seasons not employ some of the same ideas in an MI movie? Doubtless, he was drafted to write it for that reason in the first place. No complaints here.

The action was very intense. I’m sure JJ took advantage of the extra budget. Like a lot of other movies coming out these days, it sometimes seemed to get wrapped up in outdoing itself- pushing the limits to the point of ridiculous. But I don’t think I was ever forced to roll my eyes, which says something. My unofficial survey has most people liking MI2 more than MI1. I don’t remember all the details of 2, but I know Ang Lee was pretty superb about the whole thing. So, I’m not sure where MI3 ranks, but I definitely enjoyed it.

A Bit of Heaven

The snow crab tree in our front yard is majestic. It’s white plummage must stretch 25 across. It’s sweet pungent smell washes over you like a wave as you get out of your car or walk out the front door.

Last night as dusk settled, I sat on the glider on the front patio and just breathed. The crickets and frogs were warming up their voices for upcoming hot summer nights. The neighbors to our left, past the empty lot and the wall of enormous pines, have a waterfall and pond that bubbled a gentle undertone to an almost idyllic scene.

I walked around the yard a few days ago and put my nose to every blossom. I’m weird like that.

My parents’ yard is like a park. Trees and flowerbeds and little places to sit. Dad is determined with the grass this year and currently it’s a perfect green carpet. I like to squish through it barefooted. Mom has been planting herbs and splitting perennials. Before long there will be an array of colors dotting the landscape.

Sebastian is in cat heaven hanging out in the glass conservatory off the back of the house, watching the bird houses.

It’s pretty heavenly for me too. I’m trying to savor it.