Putrescence

I hate packing.

I think everybody hates it, but I developed a special distaste last summer during the long and lonely process of packing my apartment of six years. Of course, it doesn’t help that the situations have been less than positive. Then, I had lost my job and my confidence. Though I was trying to focus on future possibilities, I was fairly well defeated. Going through all of that work alone was one of the most bitter experiences I have had in my life.

Now, I should be excited to return to St. Louis. I always loved it there and I have many wonderful, wonderful friends. But I am scared and unsure. I’ve been through a lot these last few months. As I have started to feel more myself the last month or so, I’ve come to appreciate a lot of things about being home in the Quad Cities. I’ve made friends here and love being around my family. I’m no longer 100% sure that going back to St. Louis is best for me. But thanks to some of those wonderful friends, one in particular, I have a safe and easy environment from which to go “check it out”. I can always return home if I am unhappy there.

A large part of my fear is just putting myself back on the line in looking for a real job in my field. I have to get over what happened last year. I don’t know how it will all play out in the interview process, and frankly, my confidence is still incredibly injured. It’s sad, because I know I have a lot to offer. Case in point, the 3-month-long temp job I just left would have loved to hire me and made that very clear. But I continue to fight this weight that seems to be pushing me down. I don’t know how to explain it.

Back to the packing…
This is it. I am moving on Saturday whether I like it or not. I have got to make this step. I am trying to embrace the reality AND all the good things about it. I have got to get my shit together! I determined that I was going to get as much possible done today so that I could have less stress throughout the week. I know days will fly by and I have SO much I need and want to do.
But so far, I am doing HORRIBLY today! Dragging my feet, taking naps, writing blog entries, even job searching – ANYTHING to keep me from what I HAVE to be doing. Ugh!

God help me.